One of the harsh realities of losing our baby was that it caused us to have to make some tough decisions. Despite feeling as if we were drowning in deep grief, we had to somehow find a way to suck in some air and stay on the surface. We were not done parenting our Lucy yet. And although incredibly difficult, these were our last moments to get to parent this little girl that God gave us. We felt the push and pull of dreading each moment but also wanting to be present and savor each moment.

My doula, Gaylea, put me in touch with a loss doula, Leanne, who happened to live just a few miles away from us. Leanne specializes in helping bereaved parents. She came to our house to talk through our options and to give us some things to read regarding what we would choose to do next. She also talked with us about what we had experienced, how we were doing, and what grief looks like. Leanne really encouraged us to take our time in making our decisions and to try to make as many memories as we could, even if it was hard, so that we wouldn’t regret it later. As I mentioned in a previous post, when you lose a baby at birth you aren’t left with a lot of tangible items to help keep the memories of your baby strong. Thankfully, we had our photos that were taken at the hospital.

We decided that we wanted Lucy to be buried at a cemetery but we had no idea where. You never dream that you will have to make this kind of decision. We didn’t really know where to turn until our gracious friend Raechel came to our side to help us. She too lost her sweet daughter Evie. Raechel and her husband had been through this; they had to wade through these same nauseating choices. With her help, we chose a spot for Lucy just a tiny walk away from Evie. It’s nice to feel that Lucy is not there alone.

We went home and tearfully sorted through Lucy’s clothes and picked out an outfit for her. Do we really only get to pick just one? We took her clothes back to the funeral home and handed off the only outfit she would ever wear.

It had now been three days since we had lost Lucy. We made the choice to see her again. It was one of those things that we had to dig deeply to be brave enough to choose to do. We were aiming for no regrets and to gather as many memories as we could. With Raechel’s help, we were able to get a few more photos of her and a lock of her hair.

I can’t fully explain how things like this feel. We were already completely broken and weak but we were making choices that caused us to walk face first into wave after huge wave of more pain. It’s hard to be brave but we kept moving forward because Lucy is worth it. We love her deeply, so it deeply hurts. This part of my brain kept telling me to run the other direction to avoid pain, attempt to stop time, protect myself- just make the pain stop! But I couldn’t ever really do that. I wanted to be present for Lucy, to stand by her and be her mom, no matter what that meant and no matter how hard it was.

We held Lucy’s hand, told her that we love her, and kissed her goodbye. It was the last time we saw her. I am so glad we made the choice to see her one last time to say goodbye. She will always be deeply loved, and she will always be our beautiful daughter.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4