Two days ago, Lucy would have turned one year old if she was still here with us.

I had been dreading this day for months, scared of what it would feel like.  I don’t want her and the memories of her to feel further and further away.  I find myself still getting these little flash thoughts about what life would look like right now if she was here with us.  I envision sprouty little pig tails, her taking her first steps and lots of kisses on her cheeks.  She would be wearing her party dress and squishing cake in her fingers, tasting the sweetness for the first time.  Then my mind jumps back to reality- to what is.

What is, is us deeply missing her.  Oliver decorated some rocks with his favorite stickers and brought them to leave for her at her spot when we visited.  My sister did this with her kids in the past and I love the idea.  We got some new, pretty flowers to leave at her spot.  We stood and cried and just missed her.

We filled the day with fun things and family time.  I’ve been feeling anti-social and like I want to run away and it was so great to just be with my two main men.  We ate at our favorite restaurants, took Oliver to a couple of parks and to the movie theater for the first time.  It was a seemingly good day, but underneath I felt really gripped with grief.  It’s this exhausting ache that you just can’t shake.  But here I am, two days later, and I am okay.

I feel emotionally exhausted.  I haven’t felt like I can completely fall apart for fear of what it might do to Ezra.  I have felt like I have to keep it together for him.  Fear sneaks in and it leaves me less free. My emotions stack up on my shoulders and I don’t function as well.  My goal had been to just get through Lucy’s birthday without majorly falling apart.  A dear friend on mine sent me a message that night telling me it’s okay to grieve.  She had been praying for me and felt like she needed to tell me that.  I am not normally the girl who packs it all up and runs from the truth and from my emotions.  If you know me personally, I am quite a feeler.  I have just never had this much to emotionally carry before, and so I find myself stumbling around with it all.  It’s a clear result of trying to balance it all myself instead of pouring it out to God and leaning on Him.  It’s not easy or a change that comes with a snap of my fingers, but a prayer that God would work in me so I can progress towards letting myself go and continuing to trust Him.  I want my children to know it is okay to cry, to grieve and to be honest with whatever emotions they experience.  I want them to be able to be healthy and to process things and to see what is real in life- both the good and the bad. In order for them to learn that, it is up to Shaun and I to model what that looks like.

I am sure that letting myself break will be freeing.  I forsee myself just having a huge emotional “pouring out”, after I have Ezra; for the grief of Lucy, for the stress and anxiousness of this pregnancy.  Holding him in my arms will feel like I have climbed a mighty mountain and made it to the top.

I am tired and overwhelmed at times, but hopeful and clinging to God.  He hasn’t left me yet and I know He never will.  He accepts me when I ugly cry, when I run away from my emotions, when I don’t give him the time of day and every moment in between.  I am always blown away by His steadfast love and I am so thankful for it.

We felt a huge out-pouring of love and support from friends and family on this tough day.  Thank you to all of you, we love and appreciate you so much.