It has been said that in tragedy people either run away from God or run towards Him.  I get the sentiment in this saying, but for me there was no running involved; I really just breathlessly collapsed into His lap.  And He was there all along.  Have you ever felt like that?

“You hem me in, behind and before, you lay your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.” Psalm 139:5-6 

Some of you reading this may not believe in God.

Some of you reading this might believe in God, but don’t see him in a personal way.

Others of you might just cringe when you hear anyone utter the word “Christian”, because you’ve experienced someone, (probably well-meaning) getting it wrong. (Or maybe too many someones.)

I have been a Christian for most of my life.  I grew up in church, went to things like vacation bible school, church camp, youth group, attended Christian school, etc.

I am really grateful that as I grew up I had a lot of good leaders and examples in my life.  However, growing up in Christian establishments, there was a lot of emphasis put on being “good”. (Do your devotions, dress modestly, don’t drink or do drugs, and don’t have sex.)  It wasn’t vocalized but the message rang pretty clearly; a very large part of being a Christian means following rules and being “good”.  To me that always felt flawed and lacking, and that is exactly what it is.  It is lacking Jesus, all that He is, and all that He has done for us.

What if instead of trying to raise “good” children, we aim to raise children who understand God’s love and grace; children who then pour that love and grace out to others.  What if our children understand that God loves them just the same on their best days and their worst days.  What if their obedience flows out of love and not out of fear.  What if we all aim for a little more transparency, and a little less pride.

Growing up I did learn about God’s love and about helping and loving others.  I did learn that Jesus died for my sins.  These fundamental and important things were there, it just always felt like mistakes were unacceptable and when the chips were down, grace was not on the table.  Without God’s grace, we are missing His gift and the freedom we have to live a life that is not driven by fear.

It wasn’t until I was an adult that I came to truly understand the absolute beauty in the meaning of the gospel.

Friends, I serve a God who pursues me endlessly and loves me unconditionally.  I serve a God who forgives me no matter what I’ve done wrong and no matter how many times.  I serve a God who gives me grace and mercy each day, even though I never deserve it.  I serve a God who spoke the world into existence and who holds everything together in the palm of His hand.  And yet, He knows and loves me on a personal level.  I serve a God who sent His only Son to die in my place so that I could stop the endless race of trying to be “good”, a race I can’t win.  Instead, He has offered this amazing gift of grace and life everlasting to my ever-straying heart.  At its core, this is absolutely mind-blowing.  This is love, true unconditional love.  Incredible, right?  It is often hard for me to wrap my mind around this when we live in such a conditional world.

The biggest question I had in my faith as I grew up was, how much control does God allow me to have in my life?  I studied this type of thing in Bible classes in high school and in college, and it was often brought up in small group discussions I was a part of.  After wrestling with this one a lot, I never felt like I landed on a conclusion of exactly where I stood on this issue.  Because of this, I ended up living my life trying to control everything.  I was always worried that I could really mess things up.  I put it all in my hands and carried it all on my shoulders.  There is a lot of pressure with this mindset and it doesn’t leave a lot of space for God’s sovereignty or for His grace.  I was depending more on myself and less on my Savior.

Losing Lucy knocked me down and through the broken pieces it was never made so clear until that point- I am just human.  God is God and He is sovereign.

It would shock you if I told you every tiny detail to our story of losing Lucy.  It is this crazy collision of a horrible tragedy and God at work.  Our story has grace and hope woven so tightly all throughout its details.  We walked through something that impacted my heart in a way nothing else could, and I learned a few things that will never leave me.  It is almost as if someone handed me a new pair of glasses through which the world now looked different.  I could see things that I couldn’t see before.

The biggest realization I had after Lucy died was that ultimately I am not the one in control.  I can carry a baby but I am not the one ordaining life and death.  God is sovereign.

“You saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” Psalm 139:16

Yes, I am fully responsible for my actions.  Yes, I make choices and I suffer consequences.  Yes, unexplainable and horrible things happen in our world, but God is still here and He is still in control at all times; I have felt this first hand.  He doesn’t make mistakes.  He is God and we are human, we can’t see all that He sees and we can’t know all that He knows.

There is nothing I could have done to know something was going wrong with Lucy; there were no signs.  There is nothing I could have done to save her.  I had no idea anything was wrong; no one did.  This is really tough for me, and really humbling.  As Lucy’s mom I felt like I was her only hope of life.  My body sustained hers.  I wanted to be able to save her and have her here.  Why did this have to happen?  Why couldn’t I do something to make the outcome different?

Luckily, we can fall at the feet of God and cry.  We can plead our case, be mad, even throw an adult-sized tantrum.  And He is still there loving us and He still has a plan.  I am human and I still struggle at times with feeling responsible and like I could have or should have done this or that, or known this or that, but there is healing and a heavy burden lifted in the realization that what happened to Lucy was beyond my control.  I don’t know why God gave Lucy only 38 weeks of life here on earth in my womb, but I know He loves her even more than I do, (this is so hard to comprehend) and so I just have to trust Him.

“Suffering is unbearable if you aren’t certain that God is for you and with you.” – Tim Keller

God’s grace flows deeper than even the deepest human ache.  Tragedy rears it’s ugly head in so many different ways to so many different people.  We can’t escape tragedy or erase pain while here in this broken world.  My heart aches for Lucy every single day, it hurts beyond measure that she is not here with us.  However, God truly supplies me with His peace that surpasses all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)  An unexplainable, lovely peace.  A peace held in place by the hope of what Christ did for us.  A peace in knowing that God is in control and that one day all things will be made new.  A peace that lets me just rest in Him.

“While other world views lead us to sit in the midst of life’s joys, foreseeing the coming sorrows, Christianity empowers its people to sit in the midst of this world’s sorrows, tasting the coming joy,” – Tim Keller 

Before we lost Lucy, life was super fast-paced and I was always chugging through reaching for what was next.  Losing our girl has taught me the true importance of slowing down, being present and intentional with those I love and being thankful for today.  We have no idea how many days we have left on this earth.  It’s a learning process, but gaining this new perspective on the value of each moment, even the hard moments, has been important for me.

As a young person, one thing that can only be understood through a loss or tragedy is an ache for heaven.  An ache to go home and to spend eternity with our Maker and with those we never had the chance to live a lifetime with here on earth.  An ache to be in a place where pain and suffering don’t exist.

Death feels like scraping the bottom in the bin of brokenness.  It truly just feels wrong.  Experiencing my daughter dying, being separated from her, opened my eyes wider to how broken and messed up this world is and how desperately we all need a Savior.

Something cracked when humans sinned and that wound hasn’t been fully sealed back up yet.  We still live in pain and suffering but this is not the end of the story.  Jesus took our place on the cross conquering death, disease and sin.  He is our Savior who will return and set all things right and we will be in heaven with Him forever.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

This gift is ours for the taking if we will just lay aside our pride, our doubts, our jadedness, and just choose him, seek him and live in relationship with him.  He opens the door for us to step through no matter where we are in life or how messed up we feel.  What a beautiful invitation, and it is for everyone.

We all get it wrong sometimes.  None of us is perfect and no matter our intentions we mess up.  Luckily, God never gets it wrong.  I am prone to trip and fall, to wander, to get in my own way.  He walks with me, picks me up when I fall, draws me back to Him when I stray and guides me towards this beautiful life He has planned for me.  A life not without dark moments, but He carries me through those dark moments.  He remains with me to celebrate in the amazing moments because He loves me and He promises that He will never leave me.