After Lucy was born, I was able to be out of work for awhile on maternity leave and family medical leave because of my insurance through my job at Journeys.  I had sixteen weeks.  Sixteen weeks that when they were up felt like sixteen seconds.

I was due back to work May 20th and I just wasn’t ready.  Life feels different now.  I don’t just want a slower pace, I need a slower pace.  I need to be with Oliver more.  I need to be less stressed.  I need to heal and to focus on my family more.

I had been working at Journeys for nearly five years, so leaving definitely caused tears.  My job was a huge part of my life and so were the people I worked with.  Saying goodbye was really hard, but deep down it felt like the right thing to do at this point.

It’s hard to try to explain, but I am just different now.  Things are different, so much so that I don’t feel like I can fit back into how things used to be.  It’s like my favorite pair of jeans that I no longer fit into after having a baby.  They are tight in all the wrong places and squeezing me where they never used to.  I look at them and think of how comfortable and great they were and all the things I did while wearing them, but now suddenly they don’t fit the same and I am not sure if they ever will again.

During times of transition, it is especially difficult for me that it feels like I can only see about two inches in front of my face.  I squint my eyes and pray for clarity, but no matter how many times I blink, life looks blurry.

Through losing Lucy, I am learning just how much I am not in control.  With that said, I still struggle daily with trying to control things.  Another thing I am learning is to try to take life one step at a time.  One foot in front of the other.  Breathe in, breathe out.  Again, I fail at this daily.  I tend to always be looking towards and freaking out about the future.  But, God hasn’t left us yet and I know he won’t leave us now or any time in the future.  And wow, am I ever in desperate need of his grace each and every day.

Not long after we lost Lucy, Shaun got a job in town working for a non-profit doing artist relations.  The job has been great for him.  I just started a part-time job working three days a week. (Literally just started this week!)  We are both in new places and life looks so different than it did last year.  Not to mention, Oliver is growing like a weed and making us laugh every single day.  I am so impressed with him.  He is tender and sweet and a reminder of God’s goodness.

This year there are more batches of cookies being made, more family walks, more ice cream dates, dinners out, meals cooked, movies watched, tears cried, snuggles given and received, photos taken and kisses exchanged.  But, there is always one little girl missing.  We miss Lucy so deeply each day.  I can not even tell you how much I wish she was here.  The pain of her absence isn’t going away, but we are thankful for what we have been given and hopeful that one day the ache will subside when we hold her in our arms.

Losing Lucy has caused us to look at life through a different set of eyes, to really soak in the good moments and to look at what surrounds us and to be thankful.  When you lose someone, it really drives home just how fleeting this life is.  We are not promised tomorrow.  So, for today we are savoring the sunshine, blowing bubbles, and enjoying spending time together.

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever.” Psalm 136:1

Click here to read about what life was like for us before we lost Lucy.