Several weeks went by after we lost Lucy before we made it back to a Sunday service at our church. In my previous post, I talked about why I withdrew for a period of time. In the earliest part of my grief, I never knew from moment to moment if I was going to hold it together or if I was going to fall apart. I didn’t even want to go out to a store where I could leave the second I needed to, let alone be sitting in a room full of people with the doors shut for over an hour. I was nervous to be anywhere that I couldn’t easily escape if I needed to.

As time started to go by, I began to feel small waves of strength return. I was still scared of my volatile emotions and the vulnerability that comes with that, but I felt like I could make it through church and I really wanted to go back.

We got to church early because the seats fill up fast. I picked a random spot mid-way back at the end of an aisle. The service began and right away there was a baby announcement. Up on the screen was a photo of a sweet baby who was born on Lucy’s due date, February 10th. Shaun and I locked eyes. I felt like I had just been punched in the chest.

There was a coat laying across the two seats right in front of Shaun and I, but in my nervousness I hadn’t really noticed it. The chapel was full. We were all standing up singing and a couple walked in, moved the coat and took their seats. The man sat right in front of Shaun and the woman, in front of me. I was on the end of the aisle and the woman put her baby carseat, with her newborn baby, on the end facing me. This baby sleeping right in front of me was the size that Lucy would be.

I had been out and about and seen other babies and pregnant mamas, and handled it fine. However, this time my body flooded with panic and my instincts were shouting in my head, RUN!! I fought back, trying to force myself to be strong. I told myself not to be ridiculous and not to be weak. Then in the middle of the debate in my head, I remembered what I had been told, give yourself grace. So, I told myself it’s okay Michelle, you can leave, it’s okay.

I whispered in Shaun’s ear and slipped out to the overflow room to watch the rest of the service on a video screen. Right as I walked out of the chapel, I felt my lungs re-fill with air and I wondered how long it had been since I had taken a breathe. My incredible, understanding husband came to my side and watched the rest of the service with me in the overflow room.

“Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.” Psalm 31:9

Instead of beating myself up about it, I decided to consider it a win that I didn’t snatch my kiddo out of his class and run to the car with tears streaming down my face. But you know what, even if I would have done that, it still would have been okay. But I am glad i stayed, and it has gotten easier and easier each week. I am also glad that I gave myself what I needed and allowed it to be okay.

After church was over, I remember feeling a bit irritated with God. Really? The week we come back, a baby announcement that felt like it should have been ours and then a baby in my face. Thanks. I was grumpy to say the least.

It’s interesting how little it takes for me to fold my arms across my chest and be mad. Oh how quickly I think I know best and how quickly I need things to go my way.

My life will be filled with both little things and big things that I do not understand, but the truth remains that God is sovereign. He calls me to follow him even when it is hard. He calls me his beloved and says that he will never leave me.  And yet, sometimes I let myself get in the way and I stop trusting him the way that I should.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Thankfully, God can handle my grumpiness and how quickly I can forget his goodness; and he loves me the same. Thankfully, no matter how many times I mess up, he looks at me with love and stretches out his hand to me, welcoming me back to him.

“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is.” 

1 John 3:1-2