I would assume that almost no one loves confrontation, but some of us seem to be wired to be more equipped to deal with it than others.  I choose my battles but tend to be a pretty confrontational person.  I hate having unresolved issues hanging in the air like a thick, gross fog blurring the vision between me and someone I love.  I hate feeling misunderstood and hurt and I hate knowing that someone else is feeling the same way because of me; come swiftly sweet resolution.  It feels good to forgive someone and it feels good to be forgiven; we all desperately need both.

I am twenty-nine weeks pregnant.  I am in my third trimester and it is getting so real.  Soon I will be tested and monitored very closely until Ezra is born, because of what happened to Lucy.  I feel Ezra all day long, wiggly, thriving, growing.  Gosh, I’m thankful….but it’s also hard.  Right now I feel like I am balancing so many emotions.  I’m thankful Ezra is doing well and I am sad that Lucy died.  I am thankful to feel his kicks and I am missing hers.  I have moments when I panic inside and I just want Ezra to get out, to be here while he is still okay.  I find myself gripped with fear and sadness, and yet excitement and hope and all of these colliding emotions are difficult to weigh through.  I’m starting to have more emotional outbursts because of my frazzled emotional state.  Tears and irritability feel so close to me most days, and my breaking point is always nearby.  We are one week away from what would have been Lucy’s first birthday.  My brain is struggling to keep up with processing all of my feelings, while handling all of the responsibilities of being an adult and a parent.

It’s hard for me to admit this, but I recently spent a few hours sitting on the floor, alone in my dark closet.  I shut the door on my family and retreated to what felt like was the furthest place away in my house, behind three doors, in the dark- a place to hide.  I sat on the floor and cried, thought, processed….  I realized that in moments like this, when I’ve blown up, confused people, hurt them, the only one running to the closet to chase down the crazy wreck that I am is God.  He meets me in the dark closets of my life, of my heart….and literally, the one I sat in at my house.  Sometimes He is the only one who knows what to do with me when I am like a child who needs rescuing.

Luckily, forgiveness and resolution come quickly in our house, even when I cross my arms and try to hold out.  I am glad that my life isn’t consumed with low moments.  I have great days too.  I have fun spending time with Oliver and watching him be silly.  I am stunned by how smart and creative he’s proving to be.  Heaven forbid I read a word wrong in any of the ba-zillion books in his room, he will correct me every time.  Isn’t he just a baby!?  Are all parents in slight denial about the fact that their kids are growing up, and growing up fast?  I hope it’s not just me. : )

Right now Oliver is really into making things; making anything and everything using paper, scissors, glue, tape, cardboard, ziplock bags, paper bags, straws, crayons, markers, envelopes, boxes, etc.  You name it and he is making something with it. (Or having the idea and asking me to make it. : )  He has kept his steady interest in his daddy, music, playing outside, sports, movies and drawing.  It is so enjoyable to watch him grow and imagine and it is fun to see his sweet, little personality developing. He often talks about his new brother, “baby Ezra Jack!”, and how excited he is to meet him and teach him things.  Despite our warnings and trying to prepare him, I fear he might be slightly shocked when the baby doesn’t come out ready to play. : )

Can I gush about my husband?  I have such a great husband.  He is kind and loving.  He is laid-back and patient.  He is a super fun and involved dad and I hope that all of our kids turn out just like him.  He challenges me and takes my crazy in stride.  He supports me so much and I couldn’t feel more thankful to call him mine.

We have lived in Nashville for six years now, which feels crazy to say out loud because it feels like just yesterday I was twenty-five and we were making the move here from Los Angeles.  I am so glad we did it.  My incredible family lives here in Nashville as well and I don’t know what we would do without them

We also have so many amazing friends and a great community of people who we live near, love and get to live our lives with.  Even though this season is proving to be a rough one, it is so comforting to be surrounded by people who care, who check on me and love me.  In the middle of this emotional chaos, I am trying to take things one step at a time and focus on all the things I have to be thankful for, because the reality is, it is much.