Yesterday, I never changed out of my pajamas.  I went to bed last night in the same purple and pink stripes that I woke up in and my fuzzy slippers never left my feet.  I had streaks of makeup on my face from the day before that I didn’t bother to wash off, and my hair was a horrible sight to be seen.  Luckily, none of you showed up at my front door.  If you would have stopped by, you would have been met with dirty dishes in my kitchen, clutter engulfing my dining room table, a mess of toys in my living room, a TV that was turned on for way too long and a sweet little boy in his pajamas as well.

Yesterday, I was really nervous for today, the day of our 20 week ultrasound and anatomy scan.  I was a worried mom who knows all too well what it feels like to have something go terribly wrong with her baby.  I was scared that today I would be told that something is wrong with this baby.  I was nervously pondering the possibilities.  I spent yesterday trying to balance my heavy emotions and had nothing left to give when it came to accomplishing anything at my house besides caring for my son.

The Michelle from a year ago would have felt guilty yesterday for not keeping up with the house or parenting my child in the most attentive and engaging way possible.  I absolutely would have used the word “failure” and believed it to be true of myself on so many levels.  Now on a day like yesterday, I feel things stack up and I get overwhelmed when things are not getting done, but it doesn’t equate to failing in my mind.  I know that I need space to have pajama days now and then because I am grieving and pregnant, and some days life is just hard.  I know that I need to be able to give myself grace as I continue to process losing Lucy, and try to hold on tight and trust that God is holding the life of this sweet baby in the palm of His hand.

Today I got up, got ready and drove to my appointment while dialoging with myself in my head about what could happen.  I was preparing myself for the possibility that they could tell us that something is wrong with our baby and that our baby won’t live.  If it wasn’t that, they could tell us that something is wrong with our baby and that our baby will not get to live a normal life.  How would I accept each possibility?  What would I do?  How would I cope?  How would I handle the pile up of bad news after such a tragic reality that we have experienced?  There was also the chance that everything is fine with our baby, and I desperately hoped and prayed that was the news that we would receive.

Most people are lost in excitement for their 20 week appointment and at the forefront of their minds is whether or not they are having a boy or girl.  I know that I was like that with Oliver and Lucy.  Obviously, I wanted them to be healthy and perfect, but at that point I naively expected that was a given.  When you haven’t yet felt the darkness and been left with a deep, throbbing heart wound from losing your child, you only see the light beaming on your face.  Now here I am, a girl familiar with the darkness, frazzled and nervous.  Some days it takes literally everything within me to focus on the light and keep my focus there.

I am obviously not a medical person, but this is my third baby.  I’ve stared at the ultrasound screen more than once before.  As the tech measured and we saw a sweet little nose, tiny feet and hands, a strong heartbeat and lots of movement I felt myself begin to relax a bit.  Our baby looked great.  Of course, there can be more than we can see, but I started to feel a bit better.  We met with our doctor afterwards and he told us that from what he can see on the ultrasound, our baby looks great and is measuring right on track with my due date.  At this point, relief flooded my body and I felt myself breathe.  Thank you Jesus.

If you can remember back to our story about when Lucy was born, we had no idea anything was wrong, no one did.  We had a 20 week ultrasound with her too, and everything looked great.  I know that this is not a ticket of assurance that this baby will be okay, but it’s what we have for today and I am grateful for that.

Today, it was confirmed that our baby is a sweet little boy!  He is our rainbow baby; our first after a loss.  He is a miracle and a gift from God.  He will make us a family of five!  Had the last year gone differently, he might not be here, so this kid is really special.  He will be Oliver and Lucy’s little brother.  He is a sign of love, redemption, and life.  He will teach Oliver how to be a big brother and teach Shaun and I how to be parents with two littles in the house.  We are so, so excited!  His name will be Ezra Jack which means, “God helps” and “God is gracious”.

After finding out that I was pregnant, I was feeling extremely grateful that we are able to have another baby.  I mentioned in a previous post, desperately wanting Oliver to have a sibling to grow up with.  I know that Lucy is irreplaceable, and I would declare that loudly in a heartbeat (in my most protective, mama bear voice).  But, I realized after getting pregnant that somewhere deep in my subconscious, I was hoping that another baby would ease some of the pain of losing Lucy.  Right at the beginning of my pregnancy, I was rocked with the reality that this just isn’t the case, and I didn’t even realize that I had this expectation to begin with.  This baby is not Lucy.  There is no way I can bring her back and no baby can replace the piece of my heart that misses her like crazy each and every day.  I thought that I missed Lucy with every part of my being and then I started to miss her even more.  Another layer was peeled back and I started to process more of my grief as I realized that a new baby wouldn’t do that for me.

As change comes, this great amazing change that I have prayed and ached for, so too does the reality that the time since we held Lucy in our arms is getting further and further away.  And now we have Ezra coming into our hearts and our lives.  This is such a swirling mix of emotions, I can’t quite describe how it feels, but I know that I feel so grateful for Ezra.

Ezra is separate from Lucy.  I am completely thankful, joyful and excited about him!  How in the world could I not be?  When the doctor told us that he thought we were having a boy, I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.  I absolutely adore sweet Oliver and another little guy is just doubling the joy.  It isn’t Ezra’s job to fill the space in my heart for Lucy, no baby can ever be expected to do that.  However, he is opening a new quadrant of my heart that was made just for loving him.  He is just as special as his big brother and big sister are to me and I already love him so, so much.

We are going to have two boys in our house!!  I believe so deeply that God is sovereign and that he chose Shaun and I to be Ezra’s parents, and we feel so honored.  I believe that he chose Oliver to be Ezra’s big brother and Ezra to be Oliver’s little brother.  For these reasons, I feel overwhelmed with gratitude.  Thanks be to God for these precious gifts He has given us, our two on earth and our one in heaven.