Today, Lucy would be five months old if she was here with us.  Five….months….

I miss Lucy every single day, but the 28th of every month is really hard.

When Oliver was a baby, we took photos of him each month to document his growth until he was one year old.  Most of you parents have done this.  You put your baby in the cutest outfit you can find, prop them up and act very enthusiastic, (sometimes even a little bit crazy) in order to get them to give you a huge smile.  Each month, I find myself flipping though the photos we took of Oliver to see about how big Lucy would be.

On days like today, everything hurts more than usual.  Today I find myself in tears so easily.

I went to Target this morning.  I have been to Target many times since we lost Lucy, and it has been fine.  Or course, it’s never fun to walk by the girly baby clothes, but today it was extra hard.  I tried to just look the other way and think about something else as I passed by all of the ruffles and dresses.  But no matter what I do, I can’t escape the reality that my little girl isn’t here.

Every time I turned the corner there was a crying baby.  Target started to feel really small.  It felt like the aisles were shrinking and everything was closing in around me.  A feeling of panic shot through my body when baby after baby reminded me that I never heard my own daughter cry.  She never took a breath outside of my womb.  I never heard Lucy’s voice.  I’ll never know the sound of my little girl needing me.

Any mom can attest, that there could be a room full of babies down the hall and with no visual, you would know if it is your baby crying or someone else’s baby crying.  We know the sound of our child’s voice, we know the sound of their need for us.

I drove home from Target with tears streaming down my face.  Today life doesn’t feel fair, but fair has never been promised.  As much as today hurts….badly,  and as much as I want to just cry and remain sad, I am reminded that this is just like me and God.  I am his child; he knows my voice, my cry and he knows what I need because I am his.  He loves me even more than I love Lucy, and that is beyond what I can comprehend.  So today, as I cry I know that my Father in heaven hears me and is with me.

“I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep.” John 10:14-15

“In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help.  From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.” Psalm 18:6