When I was growing up, I always knew how old my mom was, (or would be turning that year) because of my age. She turned thirty the year I was born, so if I was turning six then I knew she was going to turn thirty-six. If I was eight, then she would be thirty-eight.

The same is true for Lucy and me. I too turned thirty shortly after she was born. So this year, today, she would be five, and soon I will be thirty-five. (P.S. Sorry mom, that now everyone knows how old you are. : )

I always want to be honest with you, and the truth is, this January has been harder than last January. Five is a big birthday when you are a kid. You have finally reached the point that when someone asks you how old you are, you get to hold up your whole hand, fingers spread wide, and proudly exclaim, FIVE!

Five sends you to Kindergarten, a step away from the nest of home, where you’ve spent the majority of your days thus far. We have a lot of friends with kids who will go to Kindergarten this fall. Most of these kids, I have known their whole lives. There is no bit of baby left in them, they are fully kid. My baby would be a kid now too, if she was here.

This is the first time that we are not all together as a family on Lucy’s birthday. Shaun is at work, Oliver is at school, Ezra is at school. It is just me and Hazel for a few hours this morning. Yesterday, we went to the cemetery. It was cold, but actually sunny, which I can’t remember happening in years past. It absolutely blows my mind that it has been five years. I still remember how tiny she was in my arms.

My brain is forever trying to grasp the fact that life is going on, and she is not. Our other kids are growing, and she isn’t here growing too. We have no new memories with her, just new trips to the cemetery and new fake flowers to buy again and again. We have the same pictures, and the same one day to remember, it just gets further and further away.

As time passes, one thing that worries me, is our other kids not remembering Lucy. I can handle others not remembering, but not them. We openly talk about her and they come to the cemetery with us. I still worry that they’ll forget, since none of them ever met her. Oliver used to always include her when he drew pictures of our family. Now he has Ezra and Hazel. He lives with them and interacts with them on a daily basis. Lucy doesn’t show up much in his pictures anymore. I don’t blame him at all, but it still makes me a little bit sad.

A few days ago I turned to the kids and I said, “Hey, Monday is January 28th, do you know what that is?”

I nervously waited to feel a lump of sadness drop in my stomach when no one knew, but instead, Oliver responded with, “Yeah! It’s Lucy’s Birthday.”

Even though she isn’t here, we still celebrate her, just like we celebrate each other. The kids were excited that today is her birthday. We went out for dinner at one of our favorites, Burger Up, then came home and sang, “Happy Birthday” and ate cupcakes. Ezra declared that he thinks she would like to have a pink cupcake if she was here. At bedtime he prayed, “I want to pray for Lucy, and that she would have a good day tomorrow”. Watching how our other kids handle her absence always challenges me, in the best ways.