I was a ball of nerves for weeks before Lucy’s birthday.  I felt really paralyzed.  There were heaps of laundry, a messy house and unproductive days.  When we got to the other side of it, I was not feeling much better.  Her first birthday and my third trimester came at the same time.  My third trimester meant starting weekly testing to be watched and monitored closely until Ezra is born.  I felt like I hopped from one emotional roller coaster right on to another.

Shaun and I talked with our doctor and agreed to begin weekly testing the week after Lucy’s birthday.  I was 31 weeks.  The day before testing I was irritable and at first I wasn’t connecting why. I thought maybe I hadn’t slept enough or maybe my pregnant mama hormones were on a rampage that day.  It wasn’t until I sat in my room alone for a moment to process my thoughts and feelings that I realized what was happening.  I went and found Shaun and as the words came out of my mouth, I felt my throat tighten and my eyes well up with tears, “I am really scared for tomorrow’s testing.”

So far, I haven’t experienced my perfect birth story.  I was overdue with Oliver and had to be induced due to “low fluid”, or so they thought.  I had a really tough, three day induction that ended in a hard delivery and a long period of healing.  I had Lucy naturally and my body recovered quickly, but that did not matter because we lost her and the entire experience was very rapid and traumatic since we had no idea that she was not alive.  I don’t really know what “normal” feels like, and both birth stories leave me with different fears going into birthing our third baby.

I pondered what testing would be like.  I was scared that I would go in and they would tell me that my fluid is low and therefore want to instantly induce me.  I was scared they would tell me that despite prior good reports, something is wrong with Ezra.  When you’ve been the 1% statistic nothing feels safe after that.  Phrases like ‘most likely’, ‘chances are slim’, and others of their kind do not bring a shred of comfort.

I woke up the morning of my appointment and put on my brave face, because well, it was my only choice.  The ultrasound tech was really nice.  She explained everything to me as she went through and did all of the measurements for Ezra’s growth ultrasound.  By the end, she told me that everything looked normal and that there is nothing she could find to cause any concern. Afterwards, I met with my doctor and he confirmed what the ultrasound tech had told me.  Getting through the first test and getting a good report was such a big relief for the moment.  Of course, we have to take it day by day, week by week, appointment by appointment; but each good report is one step closer to delivering a heathy baby.  It still feels like a long road ahead but good reports help fuel my hope.

I came home after my appointment and without even thinking, I began cleaning my house like crazy.  The paralyzing fear had been lifted.  I didn’t even realize just how much this fear had been holding me down and affecting me until it was lessened.  I sat down on my couch, looked around at my clean house and thought wow, I guess I feel better, and wow, I didn’t realize I was that tangled up in fear.

I think some fear and anxiety is normal after what I went through with Lucy and then taking the road to having another baby.  The problem is that often times I let fear take over, paralyze me and steal my joy.  If I am completely honest, I wish that God would just promise me what I desperately want most.  Please God, just promise me that I will have this baby and that everything will go well and that we will both be healthy.  It feels like the quickest and easiest solution for the fear and anxiety to be wiped away.  The problem is that if he did send down promises like telegrams from heaven, then I wouldn’t have to lean on him and trust him as I take each step.  The other problem is that Ezra should not be what I want most – God should be.  If he just promised me the outcome I want, I would not need to press into him and allow myself to be completely humbled and open to whatever his plan is – even if it’s different than what I would choose.  Most days I just want the easy way out.  Sometimes it’s really hard to live out the faith that I know I want to have.  I tightly clench my fingers around what I want and fear it will be taken away.  I forget how vast God’s love is, and that he loves me and Ezra and that he works all things together for good- even when I can’t see the reasons or I don’t get to know why some things happen.  I know I need to let God shape and mold me, and sharpen who I am through trusting him deeply in the moments when it is the hardest to do so.

I am 32 weeks, approaching 33 weeks.  I went in for my second test this week and everything still looks great.  With eight weeks left, I am a mess of a mama and I just can’t wait to be holding Ezra in my arms.